I'm real. I like that about myself. I like that characteristic in other people as well..which means even if I am ashamed about some things, I can face that and share with you.
Last June (2012) I had been working hard to lose weight for 4 months. I went from 203 to 168. It was a really exciting time for me. My before and after picture was being shared all around facebook. I felt really good about myself and I was finally getting into shape!
Well, as my confidence was growing, my fiance's was depleting. He wasn't working full time, we were struggling financially and he didn't feel like he was full-filling his responsibility of man of the house. He felt like a failure, and the more successful I became the more it dampened his spirit. Even though he was excited for me, and very supportive of my weight loss, it just ultimately led to us needing a break. He moved out at the end of August. A girlfriend of mine with a young daughter moved in.
And then things proceeded to come crashing down. I wasn't good to myself. I had been with Jeremy for 4 years and the break-up just tore me apart. I thought I was doing the right thing...but, at the same time I felt so wrong. I was drinking too much, not working out, not taking care of myself. Eating whatever was around (which usually wasn't healthy)...my roommate literally ate Sour Punch Straws as meals.
So out went my support system...in came a horrible influence..and nothing in my life was better at all.
I started rapidly gaining weight back..and the more I gained, the more depressed I got, the less I took care of myself. It was just an awful viscous cycle and completly opposite of the routine I had gotten myself into before.
I knew something had to change again. I didn't really want it to be over with my ex.. I just wanted to scare him into getting his ish together... Probably better ways of going about it. But, between the time apart, and living with a volatile negative person.. I learned a lot.
A lot of decisions I made when he was gone..and she was here were very uncharacteristic of me...and I thought it would be "Fun" but... every single day I felt like a shitty awful human.
Jeremy and I stayed in touch cause we have a son of course. Come January..with the new year we couldn't stand to be apart anymore.
We had learned a lot of lessons. We had been through A LOT of bullshit. Nothing was better for either of us apart...and we KNEW we had to make our family work.
We'd sit and talk, and comprise, work on our communication...and started rebuilding.
4 months to lose the weight...4 months to gain almost all of it back from 168 to 196..NOT the kind of before and after you want to have... and another 4 months of getting life figured out and my Choo Choo back on it's tracks. I stopped trying and stopped coaching because I was so ashamed that I had gained and that I no longer looked like the after picture that was being shared of me...I can now honestly say... even though I am not where I want to be financially or physically I'm getting there. I'm working hard at it. I'm devoted and committed to my dreams and to my family. A lot of people don't agree with my decision. But, it's MY life. I'm living it. I know us, him..better than anyone else. Every relationship has it's issues....it's figuring out who's worth fighting through those issues with.
I'm back to a routine of working out and eating healthy. I'm coaching others and helping them achieve results. Jeremy is working full time and we completely support each other. We're happy.
We're really really happy. Lesson learned Past shit forgotten and forgiven. Time to keep moving forward! Time to let go of the guilt I have over the past year and weight gained and total set back I've found myself in. You don't hear about set-backs a lot. I mean...we all know how Oprah yo-yo'd like CRAY. But, I'm here to say...even if it's embarrassing I'm a little grateful for my setback because it taught me what is really truly important.
Health
Happiness
Family
Love
I very proud of you Cassie! I know as a person that has struggled her whole life with the weightloss weight gain constant yoyo. If you never admit a failure and move on, that failure becomes who you are. Scott and I have been together 32 years and it takes a lot of hard work and dedication. Love and devotion don't come without true sacrifice, lots of laughter, communication,respect and a commitment that is allowed to be broken. You'll will again have the body that makes YOU comfortable with YOU! You will love yourself again and with your healing, great things will come to your little family and again you will always have to shut out the "helpfull advice and the nay sayers" because in the end only you and your man know what is right for you guys. Again I'm proud of you for standing up and being truthful. Blessings to your family as you figure out what makes your family successful and happy.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Tamara. I am honored you took the time to read my blog and I appreciate that you have been there for me through some of my struggles.
ReplyDeleteYour wisdom and advice mean so much to me and I'm careful about taking advice these days. ;)
Thank you for your encouragement and kind words. I am so happy to be a family again...and you're right if you don't face your failure's head on they will eat at you. This blog was very therapeutic for me.